a life less ordinary?

I read that really popular book Eat, Pray, Love this summer. I hate being inspired by cliche things but I feel my life is defined by a quote from that book.

"Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death"

I am exhausted. I am exhausted from constantly debating what to do with my life. Every time I start to panic I come to the conclusion that I CAN'T plan everything. I know this, but I can't stop wanting a plan.

I've realized through this constant state of worry that the reason for my anxiety comes from the fact that I want to do EVERYTHING. I really do. I want to:

Learn Spanish
Join the Peace Corps
Take classes in pottery, painting, dance and printmaking
Travel to Austrailia, New Zealand, Morocco, Italy, Greece, Spain, Portugal, Egypt, Chile, Argentina, Switzerland, Japan, Thailand, China, Korea, Kenya....the list will really never end.
Live in: Boston, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Seattle, New York, Washington D.C., London, Edinburgh....and any of the countries listed above
Get an MPH
Get certified to teach ESL
Learn to snowboard
Get a dog
Get a second degree in International Studies
Write a book
Get a Doctorate
Books I want to read: The Alchemist, Man's Searh for Meaning, Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, A Tale of Two Cities, Freakanomics...this list will also never stop.

I sincerely want to believe I can do it all, but it's exhausting to think which one should come first. It's exhausting to think about where I will make money to do these things.

now Carbon Leaf is echoing inside my head "Live a life less ordinary, live a life extrodinary with me...."

Teletransporters

Life really is one big crazy chain of events. Lately I have been thinking about all the things that lead me to this point in my life. This over-analysis it characteristic of me, but also probably not abnormal for someone about to jump headfirst into the adult world. I think the connections of life events is exhilirating and terrifying at the same time. I feel like I can trace almost everything back to my experience with chronic illness at age 15. At the time, it was just this sucky thing that happened, that made me different from my peers at a time when you desperately want to be like everyone else. When it finally ended, I became a more motivated student and gave me empathy for others and an interest in working in a health related profession. Maybe I would've gotten to that point without being sick, but I doubt it.

As much as I hate to admit it, I think Graves' disease got me in to UW-LaCrosse. If I hadn't had the attached letter from my high school counselor attached to my application, explaining my "extenuating circumstances" I don't think I would've been accepted.

If I hadn't gone to LaCrosse, I wouldn't have been roomates with Mel, had things go horribly and gotten a random roomate my second year.

If I hadn't of gotten a random roomate, I never would've met Kya, the person who introduced me to the field of public health, not to mention the person who has become one of my favorite people in the world and has acted as a mentor in my life.

If I hadn't majored in public health, I wouldn't have accidentally gotten the e-mail from Kathryn about the internship program in Cape Town.

If I hadn't interned in CT, I probably wouldnt have been on the topic of international work that lead my aunt to suggest work at TASIS, I also wouldn't have gained the interest in working internationally. I wouldn't have formed a bond with Dr. Gilmore that lead me to become more motivated in school, seek out more opportunities, and get the internship I have now.

I find it exhilirating to think about these connections, especially because I am happy with where live has lead me so far and also because this long chain of events emerged from a debilitating illness. What is terrifying is knowing all the options I currently have and their ability to shape my future through more connecting events. I wish I could map out what would happen in result of each choice I have. Which choice would result in the most happiness, growth, excitement?

One of the psychology professors at UW-L once started a lecture by talking about the possibilty of transporting yourself through time and space in the future. So, you could live on Earth and work on Mars. Unfortunately, one day, there is a malfunction and the transportation device duplicates you. Now there is one of you on Earth and one of you on Mars. Which one is the "real" you? From the second you duplicate, each "self" is having different experiences that make it a different person. So basically, there are two of you living out in the world...beoming different people. I wish I could split for awhile and see how different choices would shape me. But then, knowing me, I would see the positives and negatives to each life and never be able to choose which self I wanted to be.